Substitute
by jenajasper
Summary: Sam goes to Stanford to start a new life but, he can't let go of Dean. This is AU slash with some surprises. The M rating is for situations and innuendo (isn't that a great word?). Enjoy
1. Chapter 1

Sam doesn't remember meeting Allen. He was just always there. At first, Sam hadn't been very social since, he really didn't want people to know too much about him. But he did start to make friends; Allen was the first. It started with a math class study group. Sam liked him right away.

Allen was a math major. He wore his black hair short, with long thin sideburns. He didn't wear a beard but, his dark facial hair gave him that 5 o'clock shadow scruffy look. He wore rimless glasses and his eyes were piercingly dark. At six feet one and about one-eighty, Allen would probably be described as a tall drink. When he smiled, it was only half a smile as if, he had something devious on his mind. Sam soon found out that Allen was a smartass and he was always thinking.

It was about three weeks into the semester when he approached Sam about joining the group. He had noticed Allen and seen him around, usually, with a couple of other guys. He liked Allen; he looked like fun and, it would be nice to have friends. He said yes.

The first meeting, Sam attended, was at the library. He saw Allen at a table with three other guys he didn't know but recognized. Allen made the introductions.

Louie was a sweater guy. He had a big laugh and a matching personality. He was funny and never appeared too serious. But he was smart and worked hard. He always wore a cardigan. He had a haircut that was all bangs and he was always pushing his hair out of his face. Sam believed it was intentional. Because, when Louie made that move, he exposed, what a poet would call, a cherub's face. His skin was clear and smooth. His face was round; as if still carrying that baby fat. His eyes were soft brown and bright. And he was always smiling. Louie wasn't as big as the rest of the guys, maybe five foot eight. He was popular and very loyal to his friends.

Billy and Wally seemed to be together. That was okay with Sam, really none of his business. They must have been together a long time, Sam thought, they were so much alike. They didn't look alike, at least not in the face. They both had olive skin and shiny black hair but, Billy's was much longer. He usually wore a ponytail, low on the neck. Wally had a full head of short, wild, unkempt curls. They were the exact same size, built like Sam but not quite six feet tall. Sam couldn't help but study them. They were always touching and when they looked at each other, their eyes lit up. Sam's interest did not go unnoticed.

Allen said, "They're together. That's not a problem, is it?"

Sam was a little embarrassed at having been caught but, he answered. "No, not at all. It's nice, actually." Why did he say that?

Allen laughed and said, "Welcome aboard, Sam."

After Sam's second or third meeting, Louie suggested they call it a night and hit the bar for a drink. Sam wanted to beg off but, he was enjoying himself. He would just be careful not to say too much. Allen excused himself, from the table, while the rest of them packed up. He returned, phone in hand, and said, "I'm in. He'll meet us there." No one asked who 'he' was. Sam just went with it. He knew he'd find out soon enough.


	2. Chapter 2

The bar was a few miles out of town and full of college kids. Wally grabbed a table and Louie went to the bar. when he returned, he had eight beers hanging from his fingers. Sam had never seen anyone do that, not even Dean. Again, he was thinking of Dean. He missed him and this was to be a new life for him. Maybe, he'll call him tomorrow.

"Why eight?" Sam asked.

Allen answered. "Well, there's seven of us; okay not yet. And Louie's a show off."

As if on cue, two big guys approached the table from behind Allen. Sam got tense, expecting trouble; he didn't know why. But, before he could stand, Louie spoke up. "Hey, the jocks are here." And everyone laughed.

The bigger one, as tall as Sam and twice as wide, walked up and wrapped his arms around Allen resting his chin on the top of Allen's head. Everyone scooted over to give him a seat. Jimmy was introduced to Sam. He played football; defensive team, Sam figured. He found out that Jimmy kept his blond hair short, during the season and wore it shoulder length otherwise. Allen called him a Norse god.

Sam liked these guys. He felt comfortable. They were a lot like him; smart, driven and they all had their secrets.

Louie clapped Jimmy on the shoulder and asked "Where's Ray?"

"He went to visit the little boys."

Louie said "I wish."

Sam looked confused so, Allen filled him in. "That's Jimmy's best friend. He's a wrestler."

"Yeah, these dumb jocks have to stick together so, they don't get lost." That remark came from Louie. They all laughed and Jimmy slapped Louie on the forehead.

Sam offered to buy the next round and Wally walked him to the bar.

" Sam, you okay with all this?" He didn't wait for an answer. "I mean, this is our private group. We have no secrets between us and Allen likes you. He thought you'd fit in."

Sam almost felt like he was being interrogated but, he understood protecting your own. "Hey, I like you guys too. I just didn't know but, it doesn't bother me."

Wally grabbed Sam by the shoulder and pulled him close. He said, "We've all got secrets and when you're ready…"

He left the sentence hanging. Sam nodded. At this point, they only knew he had a brother and he loved someone named Dean.

When they returned to the table, there was an additional guy there. His back was towards them. Sam had to catch his breath.

He had short copper colored hair and his ears stuck out a little. His back and shoulders were extremely broad and his t-shirt exposed solid, muscular arms covered in downy, auburn hairs.

Sam moved mechanically and, incredibly, without dropping anything. Jimmy spoke up first. "Hey Sam, this is Ray." The seated man turned and Sam stopped breathing. Billy grabbed the bottles from his hands.

Ray had an almost perfect face. His eyes were some mixture of browns and they sparkled under his light colored lashes. He had that straight greek statue nose, brilliant white teeth, and were those freckles?

Sam knew he was becoming a spectacle and tried to control himself. Ray's hand was out and he said, "Hi Sam. Glad to meet you."

Sam shook his hand and answered "yeah".

Ray smiled and Sam wondered if he could feel the layer of sweat coating his palm.

He heard Ray say, "You've got some grip. Did you ever wrestle?"

Sam answered, amazed his brain was still working. "Just fooling around."

He wasn't ready to tell anyone about his training.

Ray said, "Maybe we should fool around, then."

Louie was the first to spit out his beer while Sam turned red.


	3. Chapter 3

The study group met usually twice a week and almost always ended at the bar. Sam was becoming very comfortable with these guys. Jimmy and Ray were in training so, weeknight hangouts were off limits. Sam was a bit relieved not to see Ray but, it disturbed him too. He reminded him so much of Dean and he missed his brother terribly.

He watched Wally and Billy; he couldn't help it. Louie noticed and, grabbing Sam, went for refills. While they waited, Sam asked, "Louie, what's your deal?"

He laughed and answered. "You ain't ready for me. But, I will tell you something about the two of them"

"They're pretty obvious."

Louie pushed him lightly. "Not that, you idiot. It's a secret. We talked about it and we trust you. You notice how alike they are?" He didn't wait for an answer. "They're brothers. Almost twins, kind of, less than a year apart."

Sam was speechless. He had always felt so alone in his feelings for Dean. But, here it was in a group of friends.

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The night before he left for Stanford, he and Dean said goodbye. It started on the hood of the Impala staring at the stars. This had always been his favorite memory of their time together.

Sam was excited about starting a new chapter in his life but, leaving Dean was more difficult than he imagined.

As Sam passed his brother a beer, their fingers touched. The feeling was new. Was it because they were being separated? Was it desperation? Was it fear? Whatever the definition, they locked eyes. Dean flung his bottle onto the grass and, in an instant, was on his knees with Sam's face in his hands. He kissed him, hard.

He pulled away and opened his mouth to say, he didn't know what, when Sam grabbed his head and pulled him back into a kiss. That night they kissed and fondled and physically expressed their love for each other.

Sam knew sex was different for Dean. Maybe this was the only way Dean could say goodbye and let him go. They didn't talk about it and now they would be separated and this would have to sustain him.

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Louie waited for Sam's reaction to the revelation. He repeated what he said when he met them. "That's nice. Actually, I mean they look happy."

Louie thought that Sam just got more interesting. He still had a secret he wasn't sharing but, that would come in time.

The next time Sam saw Ray was at Jimmy and Allen's place. It was a big Sunday dinner. Jimmy was quite the cook, he discovered over a pot roast. After they ate, the tv came on, the cards came out and the beer was flowing. Sam didn't want to play cards. His con-man instincts were too strong and these were his friends. He plopped on the couch and Ray soon joined him.

Every time he looked at Ray, his stomach flipped and his breath hitched. He reminded him so much of Dean and his feelings, from that night, nagged at him. Ray reached around Sam's shoulders and Sam leaned in wrapping his arm around Ray's solid back.

With his free hand, Ray took hold of Sam's face and tilted it to look into his eyes. Sam made the move. The kisses were frantic and desperate. His hands were reaching and grabbing like a drowning man. When they broke, Ray took a quick glance at Jimmy who nodded. With that, Ray took Sam into the bedroom.

He wasn't as anxious as he thought he would be. He felt safe with Ray. They removed their shirts and grabbed each other again. Sam was lost in Ray's strong hands and beautiful face. It felt good; it felt like Dean. they returned to the card game almost two hours later, fresh from the shower. Allen made a comment about dessert and Sam blushed.

As the evening ended, Sam was conflicted. He wanted to go with Ray but, he would be thinking of Dean. He took the ride home anyway. It was just a matter of minutes and Ray asked if Sam had a good time. Sam nodded.

"I have to tell you something."

"You've never been with a man before?" Ray let out a small laugh.

Sam was embarrassed; he had only been with one. "Was it that bad?" He asked.

"No. But that's usually what they say."

Sam thought about that. He shook it off. "It's just that you remind me of someone."

"Someone good, I hope, as they say."

"Someone awesome."


	4. Chapter 4

Their relationship remained casual. Ray realized this was a college thing. He was not looking for more and Sam had someone else in his heart. Someone named Dean. He wanted to ask about the guy but, felt Sam would tell him when he was ready.

Then one day, Sam started talking. They had spent the whole day together and he told him everything, starting with the fact that Dean was his brother. He said he was sorry. He missed Dean so much and there was such a resemblance. But, he assured Ray that his looks only opened the door. Sam cared for Ray but, he loved Dean.

As a member of the boys' club, Ray was nothing, if not, open minded. He was actually pleased that Sam trusted him enough to tell him. The resemblance to his brother was his only issue. He didn't like being a substitute. Well, he had done worse things than that and he really liked Sam. He could deal with it.

They were all great friends. Sam was thriving. He had found a group where he could be himself and try to be happy. And Ray made him happy because he reminded him of Dean.

Everything changed the day Dean came to town.

It was the middle of the night and Dean found Sam asleep in his room. He had picked the lock and Sam had heard him. He let the intruder walk towards the bed and then pounced. The guy was big and strong and not talking. He laughed; he was having fun. Half asleep, Sam said "Ray?" He had let his guard down and was flipped onto his back. It knocked the wind out of him and when he opened his eyes, he looked into the face, Dean's face.

He asked, "Were you expecting someone? You got some kind of Inspector Clousseau/Kato thing going on, Sammy?" He smiled that big smile and patted Sam's face. As Dean stood up, he grabbed Sam's hand to assist him.

Sam was surprised to see his brother, very happy, but surprised. He was more surprised when he heard his story. He wanted Sam to go with him.

Sam would go anywhere with Dean. He would give up all this, his new life, his future, his friends. All he needed was one thing.

Sam had an exam in the morning and invited his brother to spend the night, what was left of it. Dean was exhausted. He had driven over twelve hours to get there and that wrestling match had drained the last of his battery. They hadn't seen each other in months and, unfortunately, neither of them had the energy to do more than fall asleep. The bed was too small for them to sleep comfortably so, they cuddled up and slept uncomfortably.

When Dean woke the next morning, Sam was gone. There was a note and a cup of coffee, still hot. He picked up and unfolded the scrap of paper. It read, 'exam at 8. back by 12'. Dean checked his watch; it was 8:45. He drank his coffee, showered and dressed. He looked around the room, books, books, books everywhere. He was really proud of his little brother. He wanted him to have a good life but, he really needed him, right now. Right now? He always needed him.

Out of curiosity, he looked at the desk calendar. As he flipped the pages, he saw the usual notations, exam, seminar, study group. He saw 'study group' almost twice a week every week. Wow, Sam was really working hard, Dean thought. Then, he noticed another notation, 'Ray', two or three times, mostly on weekends. That was the name Sam called out last night, he remembered.

Dean's stomach dropped. Was this his boyfriend? No wonder he's hesitant to leave. In his brain, Dean knew this could be. But, in his heart, he knew it couldn't.


	5. Chapter 5

When Sam called, Dean was in the car. He wasn't going anywhere just driving to think. Why should he be so upset? They made no promises. Hell, he barely acknowledged it. But it had only been a few months. How could he replace him so soon? Dean couldn't satisfy himself with anyone after Sam left.

Sam asked him to come for a beer. He gave directions and said he would be waiting. Dean walked in and saw his brother at the bar. He walked over and sat next to him, signalling the bartender.

He asked about the exam but, there were many other questions on his tongue.

"I think I did okay." Sam said. "I wanted to talk to you about leaving."

Dean took a deep breath. "Look, I understand if you don't want to. You got a life here. I got no right to ask this."

Sam couldn't have Dean think that he didn't want to be with him.

"Dean, do you think I don't want to go? That's not it at all. I just need more."

He didn't answer; he wasn't going to.

Sam felt the conversation was over, for now. Dean always seemed so fearless. Why was he so afraid of this? He had one more thing to say.

"I want you to meet my friends."

Dean asked, "Does that include Ray?"

Sam was stunned. He knew they would need to talk about it. But, not like this. His emotions showed on his face and big brother's instincts were to comfort.

"I'm sorry," Dean said. "but, last night…" No, he wouldn't let Sam take the blame. "I mean, I saw it on your calendar. I'm not mad; I'm just stupid. I shouldn't have come." Again, he said he was sorry.

Sam was still flustered.

"It's not what you think. Can we talk about it?"

Dean didn't want to talk. He didn't really want to know.

"I'm just gonna go." He said. Dean slid off the stool and turned to leave.

Sam's words spilled out on their own. "Please. Dean. Don't."

Dean took a couple of steps then stopped. He couldn't turn around because, he knew, he would look into those puppy-dog eyes and not go. But he had to go. He needed time to think. He had to be sure for both of them.

Sam didn't move. He was afraid to speak. He felt if he disturbed the moment, upset the cosmos, in any way, it would cause Dean to leave and never come back.

Finally, he saw his brother turn his head and say, over his shoulder, "When are you meeting your friends?"

Sam heard himself answer, in a voice he didn't recognize, "Later. I'll call you?"

He saw a semblance of a smile and a small nod. Then Dean turned away and Sam watched him walk out.

Dean was very uncomfortable with this. He really didn't care what other people thought of him but, he didn't want to be the bad guy who took Sam away from his friends.

He had hours to think. He tried to imagine what Sam's friends would be like. And he thought of Ray. Maybe he was too late. If Sam was happy with this guy, he would just leave. Sam's happiness was paramount. They hadn't spoken too much about it. He didn't really want to know. But, he figured, tonight, he would find out.


	6. Chapter 6

Sam checked his watch and called Ray. He said he needed to talk. They met outside the gym an hour later.

"What's up, Sam?"

He told Ray that Dean was in town. He hadn't called; he just showed up. And he wanted Sam to go with him. Ray asked Sam what he wanted to do.

"I know how you feel about him and, believe me, I'm okay."

Sam tried to explain his feelings. He did want to be with Dean but, he was afraid his brother couldn't make the commitment. Ray reminded him that Dean had come for him. There was no other reason.

Sam told Ray about his plans for the evening. He wanted Dean to meet the guys and see how it could work.

"Does he know about me?"

"He knows that we've been seeing each other but, that it was…" He searched for the right word. Casual, temporary, these felt cruel. Life-saving, necessary, these were more accurate. Ray had saved him. He had given him what he needed. Sam didn't know what else to say.

Ray offered to stay away and said he could meet Dean some other time to make it easier for them. Sam didn't want it to seem like he was hiding anything. Ray agreed to show up later.

The led zeppelin ringtone snapped Dean out of his funk. It was Sam; it was time to go.

Sam was waiting outside the building. In the car, they made small talk. Sam could feel Dean's anxiety. He wanted to put him at ease.

"They're just guys, Dean. You'll like them."

"What do they know about me?"

Sam explained how the group had no secrets. Probably, the only thing they didn't know were the specifics of the 'family business'. Dean asked if they knew about that night. When Sam said yes, Dean slammed his hand on the steering wheel. But, before he could speak, Sam touched his hand and said, "Dean, it's okay, really. You'll understand when you meet them."

Sam described the guys and matched up the couples. He omitted the fact that Wally and Billy were brothers. He thought Dean should meet them first. He didn't want to pressure him. It was a lot to take in. Dean didn't know what to think now.

It was a different place from the afternoon, very noisy, very busy. They walked in and immediately, a big blond was waving at them. Sam tapped his brother on the arm and motioned for him to follow. As they approached the group, Dean heard the different voices say "Hey, Sam."

Dean noticed the odd expressions when they looked at him. Unless he had spinach in his teeth, he couldn't understand it. Maybe, they just didn't like strangers in their group or guys who sleep with their brothers.

Sam put his arm around Dean and introduced each one at the table, ending with, "And this is Dean,"

Louie said, "Dean, we've heard a lot about you."

Sheepishly, and very out of character, he mumbled, "I bet."

Allen spoke up. "Don't worry. You're gonna hear plenty about us. Have a seat and grab a beer."

Dean liked this guy. He and Sam sat next to each other. Sam had a questioning look on his face which Billy answered.

"He's not here." Sam just nodded.

Dean realized the only name he hadn't heard was Ray. They talked and laughed and Dean started to truly relax. He touched Sam purposefully and it felt good. Maybe they could live this life.

Sometime later, Jimmy got a phone call and. within a half hour, everything changed, again.

He walked in and approached the table. Sam and Dean had their heads together, laughing. Jimmy tapped Sam's shoulder and motioned, with his head, for Sam to look up.

Dean was smiling. He turned and looked. His mouth hung open and he turned back to Sam. Ray said, "Hey, Sam. So, this is Dean."

Louie remarked, "Handsome, ain't he, Ray?"

"Almost like looking in the…" Billy elbowed his brother and Wally stopped talking.

Allen punched Louie's arm but, no one was angry. Ray stayed away purposely so, the guys could meet Dean. He knew it was important for Sam. He saw how they were together. He had been a replacement all along but, he knew that.

Ray put out his hand and said, "Good to meet you, Dean, really." Turning back to his brother Dean asked, "This is Ray?" Dean shook Ray's hand and excused himself.


	7. Chapter 7

They watched Dean walk out. To avoid unwanted attention, Sam called after his brother without raising his voice. It had no effect.

As if reading his mind but, absolutely anticipating his actions, Ray lightly pressed his palm to Sam's chest. As he went to stand, Sam felt the gentle pressure from Ray's hand. Sam felt the color wheel of emotions and barely heard the conversation around him.

"Wow, there really is a resemblance."

"It's like our own version of 'Dead Ringers'

"Bette Davis or Jeremy Irons?"

"Let's wait and see."

Fearing Sam would misunderstand his intent, Ray lifted his hand and resting it on Sam's shoulder asked, "Was he the only one who didn't know?"

Sam felt foolish; he had mistakenly thought the resemblance was only in his eyes. He had to go to Dean and fix this. He removed Ray's hand from his shoulder, without resistance. No one stopped him from following his brother.

Ray said, "Maybe I shouldn't have come."

Wrapping his arm around his friend, Jimmy answered. "That's not how we roll, you know that."

Allen said, to no one in particular, "I like those guys."

"Yeah, that Dean. A little rough around the edges, but he looks good enough to eat."

"Don't be a dick, Louie. Besides, he's not in your age bracket."

Louie couldn't resist one more remark. "Hey, trouble in paradise, that's all I'm saying." He paused. "But, I'm sure Ray's got plans for that."

Allen felt the need to exert some control. He shook his head and held up his hand as a signal to stop.

"Come on guys. You know, we don't get in the middle"

"Unless it's welcomed."

"Jimmy, you're not helping."

Allen ruffled Jimmy's hair and the group relaxed.

Wally decided they needed another round so, he grabbed Louie and went to the bar. Billy had been quiet during the entire exchange and decided to speak now that his brother was gone. "It's different for them, you know."

Jimmy wanted clarification.

"The life we live. We're okay because we've got support. We're secure."

Allen said, "They've got support, if they want it. They're with us."

Billy continued. "It's not just outside but inside. It's a big decision to make. I mean, accepting that relationship, like me and Wally."

Billy explained how he and Wally had struggled. They grew up the two youngest of a large family. The difference in age between them and the next oldest, separated them from the rest and created a tight bond. They took care of themselves and each other.

When Wally was accepted at Stanford, Billy came with him. He enrolled at San Jose State. Once they were away from home, they felt free to act on their feelings. They were pretty much alone until they met Allen and Jimmy. "We were lucky. We knew how we felt and what we wanted."

There was no judgement at this table and very few rules, They didn't interfere in each other's relationships. They did mix and match, on occasion but, no secrets.

Wally and Billy enrolled in different schools. They wanted to focus on their education plus, this helped create a little privacy. Their free time they spent together.

Ray was a player. His looks got him invited everywhere. He was very comfortable with casual encounters, men, women, both or any combination. As much as he could care for Sam, he wasn't exclusive. Ray had a long and varied history, including Jimmy. He hadn't found 'the one' but, he wasn't really looking.

Allen and Jimmy found a happiness they thought they could only imagine. They each had their solo escapades but, they never brought any one home or stayed out all night. This worked for them. They didn't burden themselves with forever. The now was perfect and they would hold on to that as long they could.

Louie was the most unique of the group. His boyish looks gave him a singular opportunity. When he wanted control, he would scout the high school haunts. When he wanted pampering, he searched out their fathers.

By the time Wally and Louie returned the mood had lightened. They were still concerned for Sam and Dean but, knew they would have to work it out between them. They would be there if they were needed.

The six friends gave a toast to the Winchesters.


	8. Chapter 8

Dean walked out the door and stopped. He felt lost, without purpose, as if it had been taken from him. He didn't know what to do or where to go. His thoughts mocked him.

'Glad to meet you, he says. Sure, he's glad to meet me. He's got my Sammy. He's freaking got my face. What the hell am I doing? I don't belong here.'

For no apparent reason, he turned left and aimlessly walked down the street. He saw nothing and heard only the noise in his head.

'What does he need me for? He's got the big man on campus, his friends, a real future. I can't give him any of that. I'll leave. If, and when, he wants to see me, I'll come. In the meantime, I'll work. That's the way it should be. I won't take this from him.'

Dean's head cleared enough for him to realize his car was in the other direction. He turned and started back down the street.

Sam walked out the door and stopped. If Dean was in the car, he would be long gone by now. He pulled out his phone and walked towards the street. He saw Dean. He called to him. Dean snapped out of his thoughts.

"Dean, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to blindside you like that. I thought I was the only one who saw it."

Always taking the burden, Dean said, "It's okay. I just overreacted."

Relieved that Dean didn't seem upset, Sam apologized again. But, he felt ashamed at the obvious attempt at a replacement.

"Look, Sam. Who are we kidding? You got a good life here without me."

"I get you're hurt or angry or something and that's on me. But, can't we talk about it?"

"Sammy, you know how I feel about you and I won't ruin your life."

Dean gently put his hand on Sam's face. "No one could replace you. I will come whenever you call me but, go back to your friends. I'll be gone by morning."

"I tried to let you go but, I can't." Then Sam said the magic words. "Dean, don't leave me." He grabbed his brother in a vice like hug. If Dean was determined to leave, Sam was determined to hold on.

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In the morning, Sam woke with his head nestled in the crook of Dean's neck. One arm and leg flung across his brother's body. Attempting to get up, he shifted his weight and Dean immediately rolled over and wrapped his arm around Sam's waist.

"Where you going?"

Sam smiled and kissed Dean on his nose. He said, "I've got class."

"Skip it. I'll teach you a couple of things."

Sam laughed. "Dean, I gotta go to class. My grades are my meal ticket."

Dean sighed. "I know. Get yourself ready and I'll drive you home. Do we have time for breakfast?"

Sam would make the time. He said, "I'll be done by one. Do you want to pick me up? "

Dean didn't answer. Obviously, Sam didn't understand that he hadn't changed his mind. Sam said his brother's name twice, trying to coax a response.

"Please be here when I get back. I'm off for the next two days. If after that…" He wouldn't finish the sentence because he didn't mean it.

Dean finally answered. "Sammy, I think it's best that I go." After a long pause, he continued. "But, I don't want to. I'll be at your place at one o'clock."

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Dean waited in the car while Sam retrieved his books. He thought about all that had happened since he got there. Those few hours with Sam and his friends, had been the happiest in a long time. Last night felt good; it felt true. He had no idea how to make this work or even if they could.

Sam scrambled to collect what he needed. He was afraid if he took too much time, Dean would leave. He knew his brother was apprehensive about the situation but, he was sure. He would use the next two days to convince Dean.


	9. Chapter 9

When Dean dropped his brother off for class, Sam made him promise to come back at one o'clock. Alone in the car, Dean did what he always did when he needed to think. He turned on the music and went for a drive.

He remembers seeing 'el camino real' and he liked the sound of that. He drove south. He's in no particular hurry with no particular place to go. After a while, he pulls off the main drag and finds a place to leave the car. He walked toward a small park to sit in the sun.

Before too long, he felt a shadow cross him, blocking the light, and heard someone say his name. He lifted his head and recognized Billy. As he attempted to stand, Billy touched his shoulder and sat down on the bench next to him.

After the standard 'hi how are you', Dean clumsily began an apology for walking out the night before, when Billy cut him off.

"Forget about that. Personally, I thought you handled it pretty well, considering. I mean, nobody got hurt."

Dean shrugged; and , as is his way, quickly changed the subject. He asked Billy what he was up to.

When Billy said he was on his way to work, Dean asked him about school. Billy explained he was a part-time student. He wasn't a scholarship guy, like most of them. Before Dean could ask, he found out that Ray and Allen's families had money and Louie had a sponsor. The word he used was sugar daddy. He asked Dean if he was sticking around.

"A couple days, maybe. This isn't for me."

"I don't think Sam would agree with you. I don't either. I've seen you together; I've heard him talk about you."

Dean felt a little uncomfortable; this guy was really a stranger to him. He was surprised to find out about him and Wally but, they seemed so happy, so, for lack of a better word, normal. They had a nice group of friends and he liked them. He decided if anyone could understand, it might be Billy.

Dean said, " I don't want to ruin his life."

"Keep telling him no; see what that does to him." The intimidating expression on Dean's face didn't faze Billy. " Look," he continued," I just met you and I like you. I know how you feel, believe me. But, you don't care what the neighbors think. You're not the type."

"But, Sam's got it good here and he doesn't need this... complication."

"Dude, he needs you; no matter what you think is going on." The allusion to Ray was not lost on Dean but, that was for another time. " I know it's a big decision but, we're all adults here and he's okay with it. What are you afraid of, breaking the big taboo? From what I understand, you two have already danced the Lambada, am I right.?"

Dean raised his eyebrows at that. Nobody's ever spoken to him like this; he was really starting to like this guy. Billy understood how he thought and he was right.

Billy checked his watch and said, "Listen, I've got to get to work. So could you do me a favor and, spin this around in your head. 'What's to stop us but what is...'" Dean raised that one eyebrow and finished the quotation. Billy smiled and said, "And that's your decision to make" as they both stood up.

They said their goodbyes with a handshake and a Billy initiated hug. When asked if he would see him later, Dean didn't answer. Billy asked if he would have to break out the zeppelin again. This made Dean laugh, in spite of himself.

Dean thanked him again and Billy said, "Just remember why you came here. And if you need to talk, you know"

He had come here for Sam. What was he afraid of? Dean had only to decide if he wanted them to be happy. As Billy walked away, Dean had an unusual thought, unusual for Dean Winchester. It was this; 'I think I might have a new friend.'


	10. Chapter 10

Sam got through his first class with marginal success. His concentration was severely lacking. He would just have to trust that Dean would wait. He walked into his math class and took his regular seat. He said hello to Allen.

With a smile, he answered, "Dorothy, you're back! So, did you work it out?"

"I don't know, yet. I'm supposed to meet him later." Sam blushed a little as other members of the class turned to look at him.

After class, he told Allen how he and Dean had spent the night together and that Dean was thinking about leaving, anyway. Allen didn't want to tell Sam what to do; that wasn't his style. He listened and let Sam talk. Sam rambled.

" He thinks I don't need him but, we had such a good time. He got a little freaked out about Ray. I didn't think anybody else saw him the way I did. I thought if we all spent time together, Dean would see that it could work."

Allen could see the train wreck coming. He said, "I am about to do something I try never to do. Give advice. Sam, you screwed up. He walks in; he doesn't know anybody. But, we know all about him. The way we looked at him. And then a doppelganger shows up. Good time or not, I'm sure Dean felt like he didn't belong. "

Sam realized how much he had been thinking of his own feelings. He couldn't imagine how he would react in that situation. He explained to Allen how he thought their night together would have shown Dean how much he needed him.

"Sam, he already knows how you feel about him. It's the next step that's the issue. How does he think about a commitment when he thinks you've got a replacement? Now, we all know how Ray is. He's not looking for what you guys want but, your brother doesn't know it, does he?"

Sam didn't know what to say. He hadn't seen any of this. Of course, Dean would be brave and bow out if he thought Sam was happy.

Allen rolled his eyes and continued. "Anyway, you guys have work to do. You gotta figure out if this is what you want. I have a suggestion. Just tell him; just ask him. We'll be here, if that helps at all. And that's all I'm going to say about that."

To Sam, it all sounded so simple, in theory.

He thanked Allen and walked to his last class of the day. On the way, he took out his phone to call Dean.

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Dean was on the way to his car when he heard his phone. He looked at the screen and saw it was Sam's number. He felt a slight twinge of panic until he checked the time display. He didn't know if he was ready for this conversation but, he knew Sam loved the face to face. So, he took the call. After the 'hey', Dean asked Sam if he was done with his classes.

"Hey, Dean. Not yet. I'm just calling to...(check up on you, make sure you show up, don't change your mind?)..say hi" He had never called Dean to say 'hi' in his entire life. He could just imagine his brother's facial expression. Then Dean surprised him, again. He said 'hi'. Sam could hear the smile in his voice.

Sam explained that his last class was actually at the research center; he was working on a project and he was willing to skip it. Dean wouldn't be responsible for that. He told Sam he was forty minutes away and he would meet him in an hour. Then he added, "I wasn't going to bail, Sammy."

Sam felt transparent and responded as sarcastically as he could, "What do you think, you're a mind reader, now? I knew that."

But, Dean could hear the smile in his voice.


	11. Chapter 11

Dean sat in the Impala with his head back, his eyes closed, listening to the local classic rock station on the radio. He was startled by Sam's tapping on the glass. Dean rolled down his window and Sam took his brother's face in his hands and kissed him.

"You came." He said.

Dean answered. "Not yet." He gave his brother the full smile, with the full effect.

Sam huffed then told Dean he would run upstairs to grab a bag. He asked for five minutes. Dean put his head back and closed his eyes. He knew it was showtime and he was okay. It was him and Sammy; nothing was easier than that.

It seemed like no time had passed when Dean heard the back door open. Through the rear view mirror, he saw a duffel bag and a backpack fly onto the back seat. Within seconds, Sam was in the front seat and asked, "Are you hungry? Do you feel like driving?"

Dean opened his eyes and without lifting his head, looked towards Sam. "That's what you college guys call a rhetorical question, right?"

"Just drive, Dean."

By a mutual unspoken agreement , they kept the chatter light. They fell into that comfortable 'on the road' synergy they had developed that allowed them to spend endless hours in the car.

Sam directed them roughly forty miles southwest to a town that shared the exit ramp with Santa Cruz. It was so remote, they found it by mile marker not road sign. After parking the car, they walked about three minutes and into a dive. Dean was happy; this almost always meant good food.

The place had six tables plus a counter that could seat four. And it was busy. There was a dry erase board, in the window, listing the daily offering. As they walked in, Dean noticed an older man who appeared to be the cook, the waiter, the busboy, one or all. Sam caught his eye, held up two fingers, and led his brother to a table in the corner.

A young man came to the table with two ice cold bottled beers. The plates came soon after. It was the best Mexican food Dean had ever eaten, with plenty of tequila and ice cold cervezas, If this was life out here, he thought, sign me up.

After the meal, they decided to walk off some of the alcohol before getting back on the road. It was obvious that Sam had been here before so, Dean let him take the lead.

They crossed the main street and walked down a tree lined road scattered with small houses. At the end, was a large brick building. At one time, it had been industrious, now it appeared vacant. As they walked, Sam, encouraged by alcohol, told Dean about Ray. It was difficult finding the words to describe to Dean how much he missed him. How, when he saw Ray, he could only think of Dean. He compared it to grabbing a life preserver. There was no future in it. But, it was almost like having him there.

As they turned the corner, Sam took hold of his brother and slammed him into the brick wall. He pressed his body against him, pinning him in place. Sam looked into Dean's face and asked, "Do I have to say it?"

Through a wicked smile, Dean answered, "I'm better looking?" Sam reached one hand around Dean's head and kissed him.

The kisses were slow and deliberate and matched their breathing. Unable to lift his arms without force, Dean maneuvered one hand and grabbing Sam's waistband, pulled him closer. Sam's body relaxed enough for Dean to free his other hand. He took advantage of Sam's disorientation and switched their positions. Dean took control; he undid the button and opened the zipper.

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Back on the road, they decided to find a place midway, to spend the night, although it was still early. Sam asked Dean how he had spent the morning.

"I took a drive down 'el camino real'"

"You mean route 82 ?"

"No, Sam. I mean 'el ca-mi-no re-al', come on!"

Sam raised his hands in surrender and laughed. "And?"

Dean told him about seeing Billy and the conversation they had. He didn't go too far into detail; Sam didn't need to know all his doubts. He did tell him how well they got along and how easy it was to talk to him. Sam was very pleased to know that Dean liked his friends.

They pulled into the parking lot of a small hotel and Sam said his brother's name.

The way he said it made Dean's spine stiffen and caused him to take in a sharp breath. Dean was very rarely truly afraid. He closed his eyes and waited.

"Dean, I can't do this any more."


	12. Chapter 12

Dean stared straight ahead; he didn't speak. He didn't understand. They were having a perfect afternoon and the situation seemed much clearer. Why was Sam still talking?

"You roll into town unannounced. You stay for one night, two if I'm lucky. I mean, it's good, really good and I miss you so much. But then you leave and it's weeks before I hear your real voice, not your freaking messages. I try to live my life and then you show up again. I don't want a substitute; I want to be with you but, this is too hard."

Dean tried to live his life, too. He stayed away for Sam's sake until he couldn't do it anymore. He thought he was seeing things as they should be. Then Billy helped him decide that maybe, he and Sam could be happy together. Unfortunately, from his own experience, it seemed that Dean Winchester was not allowed to be happy.

The car was still running and it was the only sound on earth.

Finally, softly and calmly, Dean said, "It's okay, Sammy. I'll take you home, now."

Sam spun his head toward Dean. "What!?" He was sure he had misheard. After turning the ignition off, he reached for his brother's face and Dean leaned into his touch.

"Dean, I'm not asking you to go. I'm asking you to stay."

They were now facing each other. Dean said, "I want to but, how do we do that? Coming and going, that's the job and I gotta work." Before Sam could speak, Dean continued. "Don't even think it. You've worked too hard for this."

"Then, come home to me, Dean. I can get a bigger place; other hunters do it." He pulled him into an embrace. "Just think it over, please. We can worry about the details, later."

Dean held on tighter and said, " Can I ask you about one detail?" He could feel Sam nodding his head. " Do you want to check in?"

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They had both fallen asleep, afterwards. Sam woke to the sound of his phone. Dean woke up hungry. Attempting to get out of bed, Sam felt Dean's hand on his chest.

"Leave it. It's not me so, leave it."

Sam removed his brother's hand and said he was getting up anyway. Dean rolled over and muttered something about food. Sam picked up his phone on his way to the bathroom.

Several minutes later, Dean felt the mattress dip and opened one eye. He heard Sam say that the call was from Allen. Dean sat up.

"Study group? Are you kidding me?"

"No, Dean. Dinner. Interested?"

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They made one stop, at a liquor store, on the way to Allen and Jimmy's. Dean loved home cooking and Sam let him know he wouldn't be disappointed. Dean remarked on the neighborhood remembering what he had learned about Allen's family.

Louie answered the door. Brushing the hair from his face, he looked up at Dean. Dean looked at Sam. Sam looked at Louie. Louie shrugged and they all walked in. Jimmy hello'd from the kitchen and Allen called to Sam to join him on the deck. Dean went to follow when, Billy pulled him aside.

Allen asked Sam to go to the kitchen. On his way, Sam searched the room for his brother. Dean and Billy were deep in conversation, like two conspirators. Sam walked over and handed them each a beer. When Dean looked up, he smiled. Sam bit his lower lip and walked away, while he was still able.

Dean asked Billy about Ray. He wanted to know.

"Is Ray in the study group?"

Billy let out a small laugh. "No, Jimmy neither. They spend a lot a time at the gym."

Dean heard a tone that he didn't like and it showed on his face.

"I know what you're thinking but, everyone knows how he is, even Sam"

Dean understood. But, the thought of his Sammy with a guy like that, he still didn't like it. As Sam returned to the deck, he glanced over and saw Billy and Dean, talking and laughing, like neighborhood gossips.

The doorbell rang and Wally and Ray returned from a grocery run.


	13. Chapter 13

Ray went into the kitchen with the groceries and Wally moved towards Dean and Billy, pausing to wave out to those on the deck. Dean met him halfway. They shook hands, did the 'glad to see you again', then Wally went to Billy.

Dean continued on his way to the bathroom. As he passed the kitchen, Jimmy called him in. He apologized for being a bad host and getting stuck in the kitchen. Dean made a small joke about priorities and food.

Hearing Ray's laugh, Dean turned. He had forgotten that he was in the room.

"So, Dean, have you ever had sex in a room with a mirrored ceiling?"

Jimmy cleared his throat. Ray looked at him and said, "I'm just making conversation."

Louie, who was also in the room, said, "Yeah, I'd like to know the answer to that." Jimmy told Louie to shut up.

Ordinarily, Dean would be all over a question like that. But, he chose not to answer. He didn't want to have this kind of talk with Ray. He excused himself to wash up for dinner. Ray left the room also, with the excuse of showing Dean the way. Turning to face Dean, in the hallway, he kept talking.

" You could watch yourself, almost as if there were two of you. We could take turns and we wouldn't even need a mirror."

Dean raised his right arm, bent at the elbow. His intent was to alter Ray's profile. Instead, he pressed his arm across Ray's chest and, with all his weight, held him against the wall. Dean leaned in and growled, "You don't know me."

Ray smiled. "No offense. Just, the way Sam talked about you, I thought you were a fun guy,"

In his deepest, gruffest voice, low enough so only Ray could hear, Dean said, "These are Sam's friends. That's the only reason you still have all your teeth. But, if you talk like that again, especially around Sam, I guarantee you that will change."

Ray was unaffected. "Hey, if you want to go there, Dean, let's go. You forget, I'm a nationally ranked wrestler."

Dean looked directly into Ray's eyes and spoke slowly and clearly.

"Don't you forget, I carry a gun"

With the discussion obviously over, Dean quickly shoved his forearm into Ray's adams apple. Ray's head hit the wall as he lifted both arms and pushed Dean away. The noise of the scuffle attracted attention. So, Dean did what Dean does. He reached out and, holding Ray's arms, said "You should be more careful. You almost got hurt." Then he walked away. He thought he heard someone say 'Bette Davis,'

The rest of the evening was uneventful. But, there was pie.

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On the ride to the hotel, Dean had nothing but praise for the food and the company. Sam asked him what happened with Ray. "We just had to clear up a few things.", was the answer.

Sam decided he didn't want any more details. There seemed to be no repercussions. He remembered that Bobby had called and asked his brother about that. Bobby had found a job near Albuquerque and needed Dean's help. He would have to leave in the morning.

Sam tried to hide his disappointment. He still wasn't sure what Dean was thinking. But, Dean could always read him. "Don't worry Sammy. I'll be back."

Sam couldn't help but feel like this was their last night together.

That night, Dean was witness to a Sam he had never seen before. He was commanding and forceful. Dean had never been used like that. He was looking forward to more.

When Sam fell asleep, Dean believed it was sheer exhaustion. He decided to leave a memento. He sucked at the tender skin below the shoulder. Sam never felt a thing.


	14. Chapter 14

When Sam woke, in the morning, Dean was gone. He found the note on the bathroom mirror:

'Sammy,

Sorry. I needed an early start. But I left you a present. Turned in the keys. Got you a ride. Promise I will call. D'

Reaching for the note, he noticed the mark near his shoulder. He laughed at Dean's idea of a present. Even with that, Sam felt heavy. At this point, all he could do was wait. He showered, dressed and packed up. He saw the message light and checked his phone. It wasn't Dean; it was a text from Billy. He would be there in an hour.

Sam grabbed his bags and took a walk to a nearby restaurant for breakfast. He was just about done with his meal when he heard his phone. Billy was in the hotel parking lot. Sam directed him to where he was and waited outside. When Billy pulled up, Sam threw his bags in the backseat and got in.

"So, Dean called you, huh?"

"We talked last night, actually, but yeah."

"You guys were thick as thieves yesterday." He paused before thanking Billy for looking out for his brother.

""I was just trying to upgrade his taste in music."

"Yeah, good luck with that."

"He's a good guy, Sam. But, I don't have to tell you that."

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Dean checked his watch. He had been driving about eight hours. He pulled off the highway at the first sign of food. After checking in with Bobby, he would call his brother. He thought about the last couple of days. He made up his mind. If this life was possible, he was going to try. After the job, he was going back to Sam.

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Sam's phone buzzed. As he checked the display, Billy knew, from his expression, the call was from Dean.

"Hey, Sammy. On your way home?"

"Yeah, I'm with Billy."

"Good man. Well, I'm about six hours from Bobby. You know I'm on route 66?"

"Do you mean I-40"

"Are we gonna do this again? Quit bursting my bubble, Sam."

Sam laughed. He heard Dean say he was stopping for a pick me up. He asked if that meant caffeine. Dean answered, "that, too."

Sam smiled as he felt the heat rise up to his face. Dean was still talking but, he didn't hear it all. Dean said he would call when he got to Bobby.

When Sam got home, he went straight to the building manager.

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Dean called every day, twice a day when he was on the road. He made a point of calling to say goodnight .

Sam had gotten a one bedroom apartment downstairs from his studio, He had all the help he needed to move his things. There was even talk of a house warming party.

Dean kept his promise.

Eight days after he left, Dean walked into study group.

.


End file.
